Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. My wonderful husband who took the time to talk me off the ledge of self bashing and negative speak on Monday.
2. My cat - who is quite insistent on ensuring I take study breaks for some soothing petting therapy :)
3. Technology - how did I ever survive without it.  It makes life and study so much easier, and it allows me to keep in contact with friends and family all over the world.
4. The awesomeness that is my 2nd home's (New Zealand) decision to pass the same sex marriage law.  Now if  only my country of birth (Australia) and my current state of residence (California) could do the same.
5. Sunny days and flowers in bloom to remind me to stop and take a moment to 'be'.

The Power of Words

The Power of Words

I've been thinking a lot about the power of words.  I'm not really talking here about the power of magical words or word systems (although that is a fascinating topic) I'm talking about the power that words can hold when used to help us.

We all know that words can hurt, they can do damage to us that can take a lifetime to repair.  Words can also set us free.  What has this got to do with Witchy Wednesday?  To me this path is about knowing our selves and our own power better and therefore all these random topics about self discovery, self love, my poetry etc they all are a part of my journey on this path.  If we know not ourselves, deep within, how can we connect with that part of us that is a part of everything?

So back to words.  I personally am a big supporter of the idea of using words to heal.  For me this most often presents itself with the use of the written word.  While I don't consider myself to be someone who isn't capable of articulated speech I find that I engage my brain filters less when writing it out in a blog post, a poem, a journal entry, a letter etc than if I am trying to verbally express these ideas.  And it helps.  It really does.

There doesn't need to be a ritual attached to it - although I am one who often uses the method of writing out my feelings in ritual setting and disposing off the negatives in various ways (burning the paper etc).  One of the most powerful things I've done in the past 24 months was a ritual to finally cut some of those ties that have bound me to my father and his abuse.  I had a beautiful antique style dresser mirror that I had received as a gift from him when I was about 13 I think.  It was beautiful so I kept it with me as I traveled and grew, but it was also a constant reminder that it was the one nice thing that I got out of a shitty and abusive relationship, so when I finally reached a point in my life that I needed to cut all ties, that I needed to purge something out of my life I grabbed that mirror, and I scribbled all my feelings stemming from him all over the glass in sharpie, and when I was fully purged I trashed it.  It felt great.

But that is a specific example, I use words all the time to work with my feelings, to sort things in my mind.  I write poetry, I journal, I write emails to people that I'm mad with that I then delete instead of sending.  I use my words to express my thoughts, I put my personal power into them and I let them be my power.  My poetry and journaling allows me to express how I feel, without my even realizing I'm feeling that way sometimes.  Just seeing the words on paper makes me stop and think about those feelings, what triggered them, what can I take away from this, what needs healing in me - all those little questions that are part of learning who I am.

Monday Musing

This is going to be a whiny, mopey, woe is me post, so feel free to skip it - I just need to 'vocalize' it.

Not much to muse on today, just not really feeling it.  What I am feeling is overwhelmed and very ready to beat myself up.  Stress, its a wonderful thing isn't it.  And despite the progress I've made, and I've made a lot  over the years, I still find myself falling back on bad habits when the stress really piles itself on.  I know that working on ourselves is a lifetime project, and that I should be happy that I recognize these things about myself, I just wish I was better able to fight them at the very least and to not have them at all would be great.

So what do I do when I'm stressed, I eat my stress - although I'm trying to be much better at this, and I have improved, it takes a lot of effort not to feel the pull of sugary, fatty goodness when those stress levels rise.  Damaging as well is the attitude I take towards myself.   I have no patience with myself, I have no faith in my abilities and I just feel like a pathetic, useless lump.  This is how I've felt over the last week - progressively getting worse until I had a day yesterday where I basically sat on the couch depressed and tired as all hell and did nothing.  And of course in wasting that day doing nothing I end up beating myself up about the amount of work I have to do and how crappy a human being I am for not having done anything.

I recognize this behavior, yet I can't seem to shift it.  It doesn't last as long as it used to, but it still takes its toll.  I am very much a work in progress.

I need to shake these feelings, I have a thesis to write - and after this experience I have to say I don't know why anyone would put themselves through this, I personally think I'm nuts.  I just have no faith right now in my ability to do this.