Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Chocolate
2. A full moon playing in the clouds
3. Moments spent with loved ones
4. A good book
5. Tea

Musing Monday

Pagan imagery in Christian Churches

I was working through some information today that talked about the use of pagan imagery within Christian churches in the late Middles Ages through to the Reformation and beyond.  The information seemed to imply that they use of such symbolism was designed by the craftsman as a mean of undermining the forced worship of a god not their own.  There is certainly research to support the use of pagan symbols within churches at the time, but I have to say that I wonder at the depth of meaning often attributed to it.  I do not claim to have done research on this, although the idea is fascinating and I may take some research up, this is just me thinking things through.

To what extent was the use of pagan symbolism a defiant gesture or even a hidden way of continuing ones own practice under the guise of a new one?  Is it possible that the craftsmen involved were being less cunning and more practical?  Were they perhaps simply creating imagery that they knew, that had been passed down through generations?  What about common symbols?  For thousands of years certain items had been held sacred across many belief systems, why is it not possible that these symbols meant something to the Christian church goers without them having be 'purloined' from their pagan ancestors?  Yes, I know, pagan symbols, practices, etc were incorporated into Christian beliefs, I'm not disputing this, it is a highly effective means of integration and assimilation that has been used long before Christianity (look at the pre-Christian Roman Empire people).

A spell for clarity

A Simple Spell to Gain Clarity on an issue

Timing: Dark Moon

Equipment:
* A black candle - representative of the goddess of night Nyx
* A tool for divination of your choice

Steps:

1. Cleanse and consecrate you space.  If you like to cast a circle and call quarters etc for you spell work please do so now.

2. Ground and center and then lighting the candle speak the following:  "I call upon the goddess of the night, within whose mysterious darkness wisdom can be found.  I call upon the goddess of the night, and ask that you aide me in my search.  Guide me way within your shadowy depths.  Assist me to see that which would otherwise be hidden, and to seek clarity within the depths."

3. Take some time to solidify your connection with the goddess and then proceed to perform your desired action for diving clarification by using a divination tool or through meditation.

Signs

On Friday I was volunteering at the local Library's book sale and as usual I went to raid the New Age section before the masses were allowed in.  To my surprise, sitting on the shelf on its side on top of all the other books like it was somebody's afterthought to throw it up there was "Inanna: Queen of Heaven and Earth" by Diane Wolkstein and Samuel Kramer.  Naturally I quickly snagged it.  You see I almost purchased this book when I first explored working with Inanna but didn't.  Recently I'd done some work with Inanna's counterpart Ishtar and had a truly healing and awe inspiring experience, and then I kind of let it go, and for the past month or so I've been feeling disconnected and a little part of me has known I need to journey with Inanna/Ishtar some more but I keep putting it off.  So I'm taking the presence of this book as a sign that I need to reconnect with the goddess and continue to work with her in my life.

Musing Monday

Sometimes all we can do is tip-toe, and that is what I'm doing right now.  I started some shadow work with the coming of the darker season and I have to say that my subconscious is fighting me tooth and nail on it.  This is actually quite frustrating to me because I have been putting off this work for so long waiting for school to be done so I can devote myself to it and now that I actually have the time and it won't matter too much if I break down a little in the process I've become the queen of procrastination on the issue.  So I am trying not to beat myself up about it, I am trying to be patient with myself, and I know that I am making small steps, but I feel like I'm not doing enough.

Free Friday

Just something I've been pondering.

Is there something about neo-pagan paths that causes a higher frequency of disintegration of groups and splitting of paths?  Is it because we are encouraged to seek our own truths and to stand firm in our own beliefs that results in the high frequency of groups that eventually no longer exist?  In the last 5 years I've seen an amazing number of groups that I've either belonged to, or known people who belong to, fall apart unable to sustain a system that satisfied everyone.  Is this the curse of neo-paganism, that by being a path that doesn't dictate it inevitably sees all the fledglings fly the nest?  Is this necessarily a bad thing?  There are certainly experiences that one can only achieve through working with other people, yet I find that our path really does tend to lead to a more solitary undertaking.  For me personally my ideal would be to practice solitary and meet with a group just for a celebration of the Sabbats.  If we wanted to go down the road of claiming to draw  roots from ancient traditions (that's a whole other rant I'll do one day) then this really is a more accurate reflection of how acts would have been run.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A warm quilt and a comfy bed
2. Sunshine
3. Hot cups of tea against cold hands
4. Crisp evening walks
5. Good music.

Loki

Loki

One of the more well-known gods of the Northern traditions Loki has garnered much attention within recent years due to modern media.  A trickster god of Norse mythology Loki stands alone among the Northern gods as a figure who did not adequately belong to any particular group.  Although generally perceived to be a God of the Aesir, his origins are rather vague.  His father was the giant Farbauti, but although we know that his mother’s name was Laufey these is little agreement as to what she was, be it giantess, goddess or something else.  Mythology talks of his association and interaction with the gods and yet he was never really one of them.Loki himself is a father to several offspring and even a mother to one.  With his wife Angrboda, a giantess, he fathered the goddess Hel, the wolf Fenrir (who would bite off one of the hands of Tyr and kill Odin during Ragnarok) and the world serpent Jormungandr (who is curled around the tree of life).  With his wife Sigyn he produced Narfi and Vali.  Finally, having shape shifted into a mare to distract the Stallion Svadilfari Loki gives birth to the eight-legged horse Sleipnir who is linked to Odin as one of his shamanic spirits. 
He is a shape shifter and a trickster god and depending on the myth sometimes helps and sometimes hinders the gods.  Which side he chooses depends on which will serve him better.  For example in the Kidnapping of Idun, Loki originally assists the giant Thiazi in kidnapping the goddess Idun in order to preserve his life.  When the gods threaten his life if she isn’t returned he then assists them by transforming into a falcon and bringing her back to the gods in order to save his own hide.  When he played a role in the death of Baldur however, Loki loses all positive relations he had with the gods.After the death and failed resurrection of the god Baldur, Loki is bound by the gods and a serpent is placed above him that drips poison into a bowl above him.  When the bowl must be emptied, by his wife Sigyn, the poison drips on Loki instead and his consequent writhing in pain is said to be what causes earthquakes.  Loki stays locked in this torture until he manages to break free at Ragnarok.  During Ragnarok Loki sides with the giants, not surprising given his break of all ties with the gods, and it is said that he and the god Heimdall mortally wound each other in the fighting.The relationship between Loki and the gods of the Aesir and Vanir was always an interesting one.  Never really being a part of the gods and yet being among them Loki served as his own master.  He was a true wily trickster who answered only to himself and worked in ways that ensured his own benefit.

Musing Monday

This is part of my struggle as I work through many issues with my shadow self.  I have come to love myself far more than I have in the past and yet there is still much work to be done.  And how easy is it, for self-love to be seen as being conceited.  How quickly people are to judge those that hold love for themselves, and yet to have that kind of acceptance of self it something we all aspire too.  This falls along those lines of that which we pick at in others is often something we dislike about ourselves.  But I wonder too home much societal pressures play a role in this as well.  How often are we taught that we should act with love towards others and put them first?  How often does the media tell us we aren't good enough?  It is a struggle to battle through these messages over and over and still come out on top, with love of self and kindness towards your self.  

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The changing seasons
2. Rediscovered will power
3. Snuggles in bed
4. Tea
5. Candles

Absence

I've been away from this blog for awhile not for any particular reason but because I just haven't been feeling the creativity and desire to write that is needed to keep coming on here and post things.  Not that I was ever the most regular poster as it was.  I've taken up studies again and I find that when I have time I'm working on the research and homework for those rather than on my own blog and I need to incorporate the two together a bit more.

So my goal is to attempt to get back into regular posts here and on my divination page.  I have a new oracle deck that I'm working with which I will be using but I also want to get into doing more regular tarot pulls.  I thought about a card a day but I think I might just start off with a reading each Sunday for the week ahead.  That's the plan anyway :)

Haiku

Haiku

Topic:  Between the Veils 

Musing Monday

On the season...

I've been doing a bit of research lately on the wheel and the seasonal celebrations of the witchy calendar.  Those who've read my blog before know that I personally have issues connecting with all the supposed seasonal celebrations of the Wiccan year.  The 8 sabbats just don't fit with me.  Some of it I believe is due to being a city dweller, lets face it feeling in tune with the three harvest seasons can be difficult when you don't have any experience with the actual changes.  I've always lived in mild climates too, so the idea of celebrating the end of winter and the spring thaw doesn't resonate as deeply as it may for others.  I see the changing of the seasons around me, but I don't necessarily connect with them in as great a detail as the sabbats seem to imply.  But that is not what I've been thinking about lately.

Lately I've been struck by the implied negativity that seems to be associated with the coming of winter and the darker part of the year.  Don't get me wrong, much of what I read talks of the benefits of going within, of resting and reflecting etc but the terminology seems to indicate a feeling of darkness and something to if not fear at least wade through until the better stuff comes around in spring.  The bright part of the year is also talked about with terminology of happiness and joy.  Now I can understand that there is the whole birth, life, death, rebirth pattern taking place but I just don't get the way the dark part of the year is talked about.  For me personally this is my favorite time of year, it is when I grow the most.  I revel in cool days spent snuggled up reading, reflecting, learning, experiencing.  I don't spend my winter months looking back on the summer gone and longing for it to return, I spend it enjoying everything magical about the dark time of the year.  I am creative at this time, I am passionate, I am blooming in the dark.

Maybe I'm odd, who knows.

Random thoughts

Ok, here is today's random thought.  Would Christianity have grown to the size it is currently had it not been adopted by the Romans or come into contact with the Roman empire?  I've been thinking about how religions became dominant and that was my random thought for today.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Autumn/Fall - oh how I love this time of year
2. Geeking out with tabletop gaming
3. Tea
4. my curiosity and intellectually inclined mind
5. naps.

Musing Monday

CHANGING SEASONS

Maybe it has something to do with the type of people I'm attracted to, maybe it is a common thread among witches because Samhain is just around the corner and so many of us love this time of year, but I've been amazed how with the turning of the wheel and the movement beyond Mabon how many people I associate with are suddenly feeling a greater connection to everything, myself included.  Now for me I know that a big part of it is that this is, and always has been, my favorite time of year.  I love the seasons from Autumn through to Spring, I'm actually far more active at this time of year.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not out partying and socializing, lets face it I'm an introvert and always will be, but I find myself wanting to craft more, to get outside and be with nature, to visit friends, to spend time with loved ones, to play and to love.  For a lot of people this is a time of quite introspection coming upon us, and that is definitely true also, but for me that reflection comes through expressive means and I have more energy to partake in those actions as the weather cools than I do in the blast furnace of summer.

Now not surprisingly the change of the season is also bringing about a great deal of peoples focus to shadow work.  My feeling is that perhaps this goes beyond the season and there is a gentle shift happening towards embracing a more balanced life - maybe that's just my wishful thinking.  I am quite pleasantly surprised at how many people I know currently who are beginning to work with their shadow, including myself and it buoys me to know that I will have others who can be their for me on this journey.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The love and support from friends and family during a time of grief
2. The ability to laugh at life
3. Hugs
4. The cooling weather
5. Events that make you look at life through a different perspective.

Correspondences

Regarding Correspondences

I was recently researching different deities and one of the items I've looked up is the various correspondences that are said to be associated with a particular deity.  As usual most sites on the internet regurgitate the same information over and over again, many simply a copy/paste of work found elsewhere with a different background and some pretty pictures added.  In this particular instance I was looking up an Egyptian deity and one of the correspondences claimed to be associated with him regarding crystals and gemstones was Opal.  This threw me because despite a couple of brief references to opals in Greek and Roman literature I can find no evidence of opals existing in Ancient Egypt.  Even the references I've tracked down could relate to fluorite as much as opal.  I could be completely wrong but it definitely got me thinking about the correspondences that we accept as assigned to particular deities and where this information came from.

Some correspondences are easy, mythology and pictorial representations give us the various colors, animals, symbols etc that we assign to certain deities.  But then we seem to need to give flowers and fragrances and foods and days of the week etc and I start wondering where all this comes from.  I'm sorry the historian in me just finds it hard to believe that we can say that all these deities have these correspondences.  The best we can do is say, okay - this deity is a moon deity, associations with the moon also include x, x and x so we could essentially associate this with said deity in theory.  Which is fine, but specify that, I think a lot of people are under some illusion that this information exists for each and every deity and it doesn't, plus there is just a significant lack of resource acknowledgement in these areas to begin with.

Musing Monday

Today my mind is on friends, family and loved ones.  With the sad and completely unnecessary death of a friend over the weekend I have been pondering a lot about several issues.  The obvious is of course keeping those you love close, making sure you connect and just being thankful for all the people in your life.  I'm a crappy friend when it comes to keeping in touch regularly but I often think of those people who have touched my life and I know I should be working harder at staying in touch.  Secondly, I've been wondering if it is a cultural/generational thing that could possibly have someone believe at the age of 19 that since life is awesome right now it should be ended so you never experience when it might get worse.  Maybe it is just that one person.  I can't wrap my head around it.  I've always believed that life is to be lived.  Don't get me wrong I've had some very low moments when suicide seemed like the only option but something inside me always spoke up at just the right time telling me that doing so was letting the bad things win.  I can't imagine waking up one morning and thinking life is great so lets stop now.

Of course a focus on death over the weekend has driven home what I've known for a while in that I need to live my life more.  Now that school is done and I have spare time I should be doing more, not necessarily out and about (I'm an introvert) but even just doing those things I love, being crafty, reading, writing, exploring nature etc.  Ironically this weekend hubby had actually arranged Friday and Saturday off so that we could do just that when we got the news Friday early afternoon all those plans went out the window.

Full Moon

Full Moon

(Source: http://paradelle.wordpress.com/tag/native-american/)

On silvery beams I float above

beyond what others think they see

all is laid out before me

A small spark catches my eye

as I look upon a face turned up to the sky

and arms held wide she calls to me

In wonder she bathes within my light

and dances beneath the starry sky

and all around me other sparks

begin to stir within the dark

to dance and call upon my names

and I shine my light upon them all

and I lift their spirits and let them soar

and as I wrap them up in love

I let them know that I am in them 

and they are in me.

All original content copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

Musing Monday

This is something I need to work on, something that I think many of us need to work on and it isn't just the aspects of seeing ourselves as repulsive, shameful and unforgivable, it is also about seeing ourselves as being unworthy.  Unworthy of our own time, unworthy of our own love, unworthy of being put first, being treated right, being able to have your dreams, the list goes on.  We really have so many demons to fight in today's society, all of us, no matter how adjusted we may think someone is, are fighting these demons.  We're fighting against our own dialogue of self hate, we're fighting against societal pressure or perceived societal pressure, we're fighting against the demands on our body, on our time, on our souls that are unreasonable and unhealthy.  So many of us feel unfulfilled in our lives, that there is something just beyond our grasp that we don't seem to be able to obtain and we have to realize that the only thing that is holding us back is ourselves and our own fears.

Now I'm not talking extreme lifestyles changes here, lets face it that really isn't a realistic opportunity for many of us as we have people other than ourselves in our lives that we also have to accommodate.  However, we can each of us take steps every day to address those things that are holding us back from being our authentic selves.  We can chip away at the negative thinking and the robotic trundle we each do daily through life and we can work towards making our own dance.  That is my goal.

Free Friday

Feeling kind of disconnected from the world right now.  I'm missing friends I haven't seen in a long time and I know it is because things happen, and life gets busy and we grow and move on but I miss them.  I realize I can't really talk, I pretty much holed up in my little academic world while I worked on my thesis and didn't really take the time to connect to these people and was basically a pretty crappy friend.  And I'm generally just shocking at keeping in touch with people, if it wasn't for FB I wouldn't have any contact with some of my friends around the world, I'm just not an emailer or someone who likes to talk on the phone.  I rejoined a group recently too for my spiritual nourishment and the place is pretty dead compared to what it used to be like.  Maybe I'm just feeling it more because I'm going a little stir crazy having no more school, work is pretty slow and my spiritual studies aren't overly challenging just yet (I'm hoping it gets better).  Maybe the universe is telling me it is time to move on - but realistically and financially I'm stuck here for another year.  Wishing I had another weekend coming up where I could immerse myself in my spiritual connection like Pantheacon, but there is nothing.  And I realize I could take myself away for a weekend, I just like having an excuse to do it, it is after all hard to justify just running away for the weekend somewhere pretty (not to mention expensive).

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Reestablishing spiritual connections
2. lazy evenings lying on the grass
3. Sitting on the balcony in the evening reading
4. Hubby offering to do the grocery shop 
5. Having actual work to do at work this week.

A poem start

Walk in shadows

Dappled in light

Turn to the moon

Shining so bright

Bathe in her glory

All is right

Dance with the moon

Dance through the night

Above is the start of a poem I'm working on that came to me this morning - I think it will eventually turn into a poem about the cycles of the moon.

Musing Monday

Oh how I miss walking on the beach, the one activity guaranteed to make everything better.  When I was at my worst in my depression my husband would drag me out of the house and down to the beach despite my protests and I would always feel better afterwards.  I don’t live as close to a beach as I would like anymore (I used to live a 10 minute walk – now it requires a day trip) and I miss it with every fiber of my being.  Some of the most magical moments I've experienced have come from being at a beach, with the earth and the sun and the wind and the water all meeting in perfection.  Whenever we go on vacation I always make sure that we get somewhere near a beach, and thankfully hubby is amazing enough to understand that when we do visit I need 5-10 mins just reconnecting and communing with the ocean again before we do anything so he will hang back and let me walk to the waters edge in silence and leave me undisturbed until he senses I'm ready for his company again.  I am very excited that we have a vacation coming up and I will get to go to the beach in Florida - not only a beach, but I've never seen the Atlantic ocean so I'm looking forward to that too.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Returning to the Mists
2. Returning to old practices
3. Spending time with my husband
4. Sunny days and cool nights
5. Drives to work with the full moon ahead and the sunrise behind.

Musing Monday

Boy can I relate to this one.  How often do you dwell in the past?  I’m much better at it than I used to be, I've dealt with a lot of issues that I used to review over and over – but I still find times when I let myself get put off, put down, or upset by the things of the past.  I acknowledge that I have done less than spectacular things in the past, things I’m not proud of, and also things that were just the mistakes of a young and immature person.  I've also done things during my period of depression that I beat myself up about and I have to try and remember that I really wasn't myself at those times.   It is very important that we learn from the past, that we continue to grow and move forward, but the key is to move forward.  We have to learn and then let go, take the lesson and make something new – otherwise we just stagnate in a pool of loathing, self hate or self delusion that isn't good for anyone. 

Free Friday

I recently found a bunch of Haiku poems that I had done many years ago so I thought I'd post some of them here.

Rains gently nourish
flowers spring towards the light
hope is born anew

Fire burns so brightly
through the window of my soul
hope awakes from sleep

Thunder breaks silence
Rains pound upon the tin roof
Cold sinks its claws deep

Emotions grow so slowly
Like the flower beginning to bloom
healing my wounded heart

Once more justice fails
melting souls of innocence
shattering like glass

Open your soul child
Remember the lesson taught
And let your joy sound

Through the path of mists
a lantern your only light
learn the ways of old

Many paths are shown
Some with lights and some with thorns
Which one will you choose

Death is not the end
For each new seed is sown
Guarded by a star

Lavender is burnt
as the stones are softly cast
Past, Present, Future

Faeries drink the wine
dancing among the rosehip
in the evening breeze

Rain falls gently down
under the sacred rowan
a river is born

Weep for the beauty
of mother earths gentle touch
and the joy of spring

Roses bloom like fire
The willow sways in the breeze
witness the sacred

© All original content copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Watermelon on a hot summers day
2. When the deltas kick up and help cool the night off
3. Access to fresh fruit and vegetables
4. Remaking old connections
5. Hugs - because they're just awesome :)

Theological Tuesday - Travelling the Shadow

Swiftly comes the darkest night

Sliding in behind the fading light

And with it each shadow grows

Calling us into the unknown

Carefully we light a flame

In hopes that it will clear our way

Yet why is it we are so afraid of the dark

Of venturing into the secret places of the heart

If we insist in always remaining in the light

We but add power to our darker sides

Instead perhaps what should be

Is to journey into the darkness, and learn to see

© All original content copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

I am always at a bit of a loss as to why, when dealing with ideas of shadow working etc why it is that there is so much insistence of going into our shadow selves to bring it to the light.  I get that our shadow is definitely residence to many issues that people need to learn to work through, but I find the idea that it needs to be fixed and brought into the light a little strange, are we not a balance of light and dark?  I haven't done a lot of shadow work myself, I'm a novice in this area, and maybe I'm missing what the people who claim such truly mean.  It would seem to me though, that given the many mythologies across numerous cultures that deal with the idea of travelling to the underworld in order to gain knowledge, know oneself, and so forth are not about conquering the darkness with the light, but rather about travelling through the darkness, eyes wide, becoming aware and learning the truth in order to be able to reemerge back into the light.  They do not destroy the darkness, they go to complete their particular journey and return.  I believe we don't just travel this path once, heal ourselves and all is light and sunshine and daisies, I believe we make this decent over and over, learning each time, becoming comfortable with this aspect of ourselves, growing with each journey.

Monday Musings

For me this quote is less about avoiding the unpleasant moments and more about avoiding what is best for us because we are trained to think that all the social normative behaviors must be met first.  I know I can’t possibly be the only person who suffers from that issue of finding the most important things so easy to cast off because it is deemed unimportant.  It is so simple to think that taking those few minutes to ground and focus must be cast aside because the dishes need doing, or that scrubbing the bathtub will make me far more satisfied with my day than taking 5 minutes to meditate.  We cast these centering ‘me’ time activities off because we feel that our daily accomplishments must have some physical sign of having been completed when really, the worst day, the one that has you wanting to sit in a corner and rock back and forth is made better not by avoiding it, nor by completing something off that list of chores that never grows shorter, but by taking time to be in the moment, to be ourselves, to connect to whatever it is we connect with.  

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. My hubby being home again.
2. Cooler days
3. Being employed
4. Access to a wide array of fresh fruit and veg
5. My bed, it is glorious and comfy :)

Musing Monday

Personally, I've found myself doing a lot of moaning about things not being how I want, and it is a trait I hate when it comes out in me and I have to acknowledge it and try and move forward and remember that I create the reality in which I live.  That what I see as too hard, as the world overwhelming me with things are all my own choices, the only person responsible for them is myself and I am the only one who can change them so I need to stop beating myself up about what isn't how I want it to be and start changing what I can.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Catching up with friends
2. The cooler nights
3. Being able to read for pleasure
4. Music
5. Technology that allows me to keep in touch with my husband when he's out of town.

Zoning Poem

I'm beginning to think I should rename my posts for Wednesday to Wednesday Words - because it seems to me I most write poetry for these entries (when I remember to do them).

Today's entry is a zoning poem - basically I write these by plugging into some music, letting my thoughts go and just writing what comes into my mind.

If the journey is the destination

And how you get there matters not

Who is to say what is right and what is wrong

Should we judge, should we comment

Or should we see within each other a similar longing

A desire to know, to learn and to be

We each travel roads and paths

Some more worn than others

And some brand new, forging ahead

To traverse through fields and deep gullies

Places we have yet to journey and some we return to regularly

We weep for sorrow and joy

We marvel at the connections hat we see before us

And we detour around those we fear

Around and around

Until finally we can bring ourselves to face them

Running the emotions, finally free and ready to move forward

We spiral in and down and up and back

Over and over we go through each journey

Learning new things, avoiding others

Over and over we will journey, this is our purpose

To seek what is at the core, to finally cast off illusion

To have walked the journey and come out the other end reborn.

To be one, earth, body, sky

The Limitless becomes a part of us, within and without.

© All original content copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

Musing Monday

What an awesome way to look at life, to take it in stride and embrace it all as part of the continued journey.  Too often we get caught up in how things aren't working out the way that we planned instead of embracing whatever new events are now being placed before us.  This is not an attitude of uncaring, as many who think this way are accused of (I know I have been), it is a matter of recognizing that sometimes things change and  it is all a new adventure and sure we may take a moment to mourn the loss of what we thought should have been, but generally we pick up with what we have and we run with it. 

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Being able to sit down and eat dinner with my husband almost every night
2. Getting back to the gym
3. Reading for pleasure
4. The internet - that allows me to keep up with family and friends
5. Free time - although I'm still in that stage where I seem to feel the need to fill it with things.

What is magic?

What is magic?

Since my thesis was basically a study on magic in Archaic and Classical Greece I have spent a great deal of time analyzing what magic is defined as and where the lines are drawn around that definition and now that the chaos of school is over I have begun to ponder that myself in relation to what I believe to be magic.  Essentially magic only appears to be labeled as such in opposition of something else - usually religion or science.  We've most likely all heard a variation of the quote "one man's magic is another man's engineering/science" and the same really is applicable to religion.

We live with and use these labels, at the same time many rebel against the connotations that come with such labels claiming to want to do away with the negativity and stereotyping yet have you ever tried to have a conversation about the topic of magic without using the word?  Let me tell you, even writing my thesis, focused on a time period in which the term magic didn't really exist, it was impossible to complete any kind of analysis without using the terms: magic, science and religion.  These terms are defined by our social ideologies and, lets face it, the predominantly Western Judeo-Christian world that we live in.  For the Greeks magic really came into being when it became something viewed by society as 'other', something in opposition to science, religion and the moral practices of society.  So if you had to define magic for yourself what would you say?  How would you describe it?  Would you create your own term?  Would you use the word but redefine it?  How do you create a definition that adequately sums up all that falls under the magic category?  In my studies there wasn't one word, in fact there were a hell of a lot.  Does it even need redefining?  If the term magic is a reflection of social preconceptions than isn't the current definition adequate?  If we are tossing aside social ideologies and creating our own definition how do you get a consensus on the outcome?

I don't have an answer that I'm satisfied with myself right now, so I put it to you to ponder it, do some research, it is really a very interesting topic.

Musing Monday

Boy am I so guilty of this one.  I rush, rush, rush.  I never used to; I used to lead a more laid back lifestyle.  I’m sad to say that living in a city, even one as smallish as mine, in the USA has definitely worn off on me and I have become more of the rush through life person that I really hate.  I’m hoping that now that I don’t have school and full time work that I can slow things down a bit, enjoy more of life.   It is a goal to aim towards anyway.  And I am very much looking forward to getting more spiritual practices back in my day to day, it is funny how easily we let those things that aren't about paying the bills or finishing a paper slide because they seem less important when really they are the foundation on which everything else rests.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Having my Thesis done!!!!!!
2. Getting back to being a couple with my hubby
3. The love and support of friends - even those I don't speak to for long periods of time.
4. The delta breezes
5. Good books

Musing Monday

Well I officially handed in my thesis for my Master's in History and I am slowly starting to get my life back.  So the intent is to start to get back into this blog and get my life going again.  Which leads me neatly into today's musing quote:

This is my goal for the upcoming year - to let go of my inner critic but to also face those fears that I often let rule my life.  It is time to stop beating myself up, it is time to stop offering excuses and it is time to challenge myself in new ways.

Monday Musings

A light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been absent from here as the pressure of my thesis looms ever larger.  But I can see the end in sight.  Oddly enough, the other day my professor offered me a 30 - 60 day extension.  While the temptation is definitely there I have to say that I think I know myself well enough to realize that any extra time would likely result in procrastination rather than a more advanced paper.  Besides, I am looking forward to getting back into my spiritual life.  I plan on starting my spiritual nomad course once I'm done.  I'd really love to get some training in the Feri Tradition but I don't know how the logistics of that would work out.  So after July 21st, expect to see a more active me on here.

Today's Thoughts

I want to dive in, to delve within
to get my hands dirty and dig them deep.
I long to journey to deeper realms
where darkness awaits with shimmering hope.
I yearn to soar, to let my spirit fly
and spiral higher into myself.
I long for all this and yet I sit
trapped inside a cage of my own design.
And I watch others make these journeys
And I smile and I weep and I scream and I rage
And I want to throw aside this cage.
And my soul aches, a physical presence in my mortal body
daily a reminder of where I want to be,
and I promise myself just a little longer, you're almost done.
But I wonder, will it still be there waiting for me?
The fear resides inside my head.
With each call made to me, each little moment of magic
I say not just yet and my soul cries,
and I fear I see that path close over just a little more.
And I want to scream, wait for me!
And I fight the urge to run off and follow the spark.
Instead I sit and I work and I study,
And I try to drown out the little voice inside my head
feeding it platitudes of eventually.

Copyright Julie Grucza 2012-2013

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A cooling of the weather - I love the sun, I don't love 90+ degree heat in May
2. Sleep and Coffee - I don't get enough of the first and probably have too much of the second.
3. Bright Flowers - just having them on my desk and in my home makes me feel better
4. Animals - my cat that forces study breaks on me for pets and playtime and the puppy love when the guys at work bring in their dogs
5. My husband - for neck rubs during study sessions, for listening to me ramble on about my thesis and for helping me clear my head when I'm overwhelmed by it all.

Why you shouldn't compare

It really is a danger to compare your life to those of theirs - if for no other reason that you cannot know what their life is really like.  And yet how do you stop yourself?  I've seen friends and acquaintances do and achieve so much in the past 12 months and I am overjoyed for them.  Yet a part of me also mourns due to my own lack of progress.  It makes you wonder what you're doing wrong, why you can't seem to get your crap together to do what you want.  It is frustrating, disappointing, and makes me doubt myself.  

So it is a case of knowing what it is, what it shouldn't be and that I need to stop and yet struggling to put it into action.

Musing Monday

Musings

Wandering aimlessly, unsure of where to go
clear paths, shady glens and tracks that are overgrown.
places you know you've been that call to you again
offering the safety and security of an old friend.
But I don't want to go there, to see what has already been
yet the call is so strong, like a mothers song that lulls you to sleep.
So I wander around lost, disconnected, alone.
A yearning, a feeling, a twisting knot sits low in my belly, pulling, tugging, demanding attention.
but I'm stuck, rooted in place, unsure where to go, which path to take.
There's a path, somewhere in the mist that sings my name ever so softly
so quietly you have to listen hard to hear,
so quietly it is often drowned out by my fear.
I know it is there, like a magnet I can feel its pull.
Yet I cannot find it - or maybe I'm afraid to.
And the shackles of the now, of the expected, of the responsible feel heavier each day.
And I feel myself shrinking, fading away.
I want to sing, to dance, to soar
instead I bow down under the pressure of those chains and tie myself with them once more.

Copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

In a funk

I haven't been keeping up with this much.  Life is getting the better of me.  The weekend away has left me feeling quite sad with where my life is right now. So I've spent the week feeling very lonely and sad and frustrated at things I cannot change.  I'm failing to live me life at the moment, and it leaves me rather depressed and I'm just hoping that this too shall pass when school is finally done.  I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my husband and I miss being me.  The weekend spent away really made all that hit home.  For 4 glorious days I got to spend time with my husband, with a good friend and relax and be completely me knowing I'd be fully accepted by those I was with.  *sigh*

So with that depressing note here are some pictures of beautiful New Zealand - the only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I will be here again soon.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A weekend spent with friends and having fun - it has made me stop and think.
2. Official approval for my thesis topic
3. Rain - I love that smell.
4. The start of the summer fruit season - when I can live on fruit and salads.
5. My health.

Lifestyle Choices

So this past weekend hubby and I spent a 4 day weekend with friends in Salt Lake City and it definitely made some things very clear to us.  Firstly, the importance of lifestyle choices.  We had the opportunity to move out to SLC through hubbies work almost 12 months ago and we opted to not do it.  This decision was based on knowing we had a mortgage here and we'd have to find someone to rent our house or risk losing it.  We made the decision based on financial matters.  Now, I'm not saying that financial matters aren't important enough that they shouldn't be big factors in decision making, but we definitely ended the weekend away wondering if we'd made the right choice.

I am aware that spending a weekend somewhere is not the same as living there, and that there is a certain element of being on vacation and having a good time without the stress of work etc that exists.  Yet, we can't deny that what we did see and experience was a lifestyle that we miss, that we crave.  Had we made a trip out to SLC before the big decision had been made last year I'm not entirely sure it would have ended up the same way.

What this weekend drove home is how much we are not living.  That we don't have the lifestyle we want.  Yes, we were somewhat aware of this - it is why we are moving back to NZ.  But, it really hit us in the gut how little we live at the moment.  We get up, go to work, study, play rec soccer on a Sunday and that is our life.  We don't have the draw of majestic vistas a short drive away calling to us to come and explore, the atmosphere that just screams - come play outdoors.  Hell, even watching children walk to school or bus pickups is something you don't see where we are now.  Everything just seemed more laid back, while the drivers were nuts, there wasn't that feeling of entitled frantic nature to driving.  In one weekend I felt more connected to myself and to mother earth than I have in longer than I can remember.

So we leave the weekend sad because we left behind awesome friends, but also because we spent a weekend reminded of the lifestyle we want and don't have.  There is a level of regret, of 'what if?'  and it drives home the importance of balancing life, and of making choices that will bring you happiness rather than those one is obligated to do.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The upcoming weekend away - I need this more than I can say.
2. Delta breezes (that cool off the heat of the day)
3. Employment (ok, I'm trying to be thankful for this one because I dislike my job but at least I can pay my bills).
4. The love and support of family and friends - not sure how I'd get through this thesis without that.
5. Skype - that allows me to keep in touch with my sister and mother back home in Australia.

Musing Monday

How do we learn to take constructive criticism without feeling personally attacked?

So this is not witchy related - I'm thought dumping.

Maybe it is the nature of the communication that comes with online education but I've found myself becoming rather sensitive to constructive criticism over the last few years to the point that I put off a reworking of a paper until the last minute because I didn't want to go through the red comments left all over it.  I've never been the greatest with criticism.  Too many years of constantly being put down has definitely taken its toll and I find it very hard not to take everything as a personal attack - its something I'm working on.  I do much better when I can see the person, read their body language, question their comments.  But you can't do this in an online situation, and as we all know its far too easy to read tonality into written words that may not actually exist.  So I have to wonder: a) how do we fix the system itself and b) how do we fix the demons within ourselves that overreact?  I don't know that I have an answer to either of these at the moment, but b) is something I'm going to think about this week.

Procrastination - just some Friday fun.

Oh great lords of procrastination,
who love to dwell inside my mind
filling it with random thoughts
that eat away at my time.

Oh great lords of procrastination,
whose presence has grown great
when time is precious and tensions are high
that is when you see fit to take.

Oh great lords of procrastination,
it really is time for you to go
while I don't mind a good mindless wonder now and again
it is making this study process go to slow.

Oh great lords of .... ooooh shiny!

Thankful Thursday - On Friday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Vacation time that allows me to take days off.
2. Lunches with the hubby.
3. Sunshine and Full moons.
4. Being financially stable.
5. Getting my stress levels somewhat under control.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. My wonderful husband who took the time to talk me off the ledge of self bashing and negative speak on Monday.
2. My cat - who is quite insistent on ensuring I take study breaks for some soothing petting therapy :)
3. Technology - how did I ever survive without it.  It makes life and study so much easier, and it allows me to keep in contact with friends and family all over the world.
4. The awesomeness that is my 2nd home's (New Zealand) decision to pass the same sex marriage law.  Now if  only my country of birth (Australia) and my current state of residence (California) could do the same.
5. Sunny days and flowers in bloom to remind me to stop and take a moment to 'be'.

The Power of Words

The Power of Words

I've been thinking a lot about the power of words.  I'm not really talking here about the power of magical words or word systems (although that is a fascinating topic) I'm talking about the power that words can hold when used to help us.

We all know that words can hurt, they can do damage to us that can take a lifetime to repair.  Words can also set us free.  What has this got to do with Witchy Wednesday?  To me this path is about knowing our selves and our own power better and therefore all these random topics about self discovery, self love, my poetry etc they all are a part of my journey on this path.  If we know not ourselves, deep within, how can we connect with that part of us that is a part of everything?

So back to words.  I personally am a big supporter of the idea of using words to heal.  For me this most often presents itself with the use of the written word.  While I don't consider myself to be someone who isn't capable of articulated speech I find that I engage my brain filters less when writing it out in a blog post, a poem, a journal entry, a letter etc than if I am trying to verbally express these ideas.  And it helps.  It really does.

There doesn't need to be a ritual attached to it - although I am one who often uses the method of writing out my feelings in ritual setting and disposing off the negatives in various ways (burning the paper etc).  One of the most powerful things I've done in the past 24 months was a ritual to finally cut some of those ties that have bound me to my father and his abuse.  I had a beautiful antique style dresser mirror that I had received as a gift from him when I was about 13 I think.  It was beautiful so I kept it with me as I traveled and grew, but it was also a constant reminder that it was the one nice thing that I got out of a shitty and abusive relationship, so when I finally reached a point in my life that I needed to cut all ties, that I needed to purge something out of my life I grabbed that mirror, and I scribbled all my feelings stemming from him all over the glass in sharpie, and when I was fully purged I trashed it.  It felt great.

But that is a specific example, I use words all the time to work with my feelings, to sort things in my mind.  I write poetry, I journal, I write emails to people that I'm mad with that I then delete instead of sending.  I use my words to express my thoughts, I put my personal power into them and I let them be my power.  My poetry and journaling allows me to express how I feel, without my even realizing I'm feeling that way sometimes.  Just seeing the words on paper makes me stop and think about those feelings, what triggered them, what can I take away from this, what needs healing in me - all those little questions that are part of learning who I am.

Monday Musing

This is going to be a whiny, mopey, woe is me post, so feel free to skip it - I just need to 'vocalize' it.

Not much to muse on today, just not really feeling it.  What I am feeling is overwhelmed and very ready to beat myself up.  Stress, its a wonderful thing isn't it.  And despite the progress I've made, and I've made a lot  over the years, I still find myself falling back on bad habits when the stress really piles itself on.  I know that working on ourselves is a lifetime project, and that I should be happy that I recognize these things about myself, I just wish I was better able to fight them at the very least and to not have them at all would be great.

So what do I do when I'm stressed, I eat my stress - although I'm trying to be much better at this, and I have improved, it takes a lot of effort not to feel the pull of sugary, fatty goodness when those stress levels rise.  Damaging as well is the attitude I take towards myself.   I have no patience with myself, I have no faith in my abilities and I just feel like a pathetic, useless lump.  This is how I've felt over the last week - progressively getting worse until I had a day yesterday where I basically sat on the couch depressed and tired as all hell and did nothing.  And of course in wasting that day doing nothing I end up beating myself up about the amount of work I have to do and how crappy a human being I am for not having done anything.

I recognize this behavior, yet I can't seem to shift it.  It doesn't last as long as it used to, but it still takes its toll.  I am very much a work in progress.

I need to shake these feelings, I have a thesis to write - and after this experience I have to say I don't know why anyone would put themselves through this, I personally think I'm nuts.  I just have no faith right now in my ability to do this.

Free Friday

Thoughts

How long do you think they'll wait?
Sending signs, pounding on the door, desperately trying to get my attention.
Hopes rise in moments of clarity, when it looks like I've got it,
and then I step back, the edge is too close, there is too much else to do.
Afraid to step forward, dive with arms spread wide and have faith in what is bellow.
Scared to step back too far and break the connection tentatively held.
To want, to need to ache to step forth and yet fight it, fear it.
Fear, not of failing but of succeeding.
Fear of letting go, of not having control.
Fear of being greater in self and having others notice that.
Fear is the journey though, I shall sit stagnant until it is conquered,
but will they sit their on the other side waiting for me?

Copyright Julie Grucza 2012-2013

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Little spurts of creativity that come in time to keep me from despairing that I've lost that creative aspect.
2. Time spent with my husband.
3. The ability to afford to spend the weekend in Stanford using their library for my thesis.
4. My family and their unconditional support of what I do (at least the side I still have contact with)
5. My own inner strength, determination and stubbornness. 

Balance

Balance

Windy days have blown away the cobwebs of the past

Now the sun is here again new growth blooms at last

Yet too much sun and life is drained under those beating rays

Too much shade and disease begins, life begins to fade

Balance is what is needed, in life, in us, in all

To walk in the sun, dance in the rain and embrace our shadowy place

To tap into our spirit, to open our wings and embrace the rise and the fall.

Copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013.

Musing Monday

I saw this quote this morning and it made me think of a conversation I had last week and that I've had a few times.  We often look at people whom we admire, whom we think are doing and being things that we wish that we could be and we long to be like them yet we forget that everyone has fears, everyone has a past and nobody is as put together as we think they are.  We are all really good at masks.  Masks that we feel we need to wear for our own safety, for the sake of society, because we're just so damn used to wearing them.  But if we are lucky enough we can find a few select people with whom we can drop these masks, people who will listen to your heartbreaking story and hold space for you to be you.  And in having experienced this we can come to see that every person has a story that they hide, that we are all imperfect and that it is okay.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The ability to get together with great friends and discuss spirituality
2. Having a supportive husband who is dealing well with cranky thesis writing me so far
3. Sunshine and rainy days - yes I love them both equally and I'm one of those strange people who doesn't like too much sunshine.
4. Tea, Hugs and Sleep - they make anything better
5. Sleep - I just wish I could get more of it.

What are your tools?

What are your tools?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the 'tools' of my craft.  Its something I've contemplated on and off for quite some time and recently I did a huge cull of my props.  I'm going through a period of re-evaluating my beliefs and solidifying my practice and one of those aspects is looking at the tools I use.  I will admit that much like many who pick up this path (especially at a young age) I started feeling like I needed to have all the tools that the books said.  You know the kinds of books, they tell you how to set up your altar and give you a list of 20+ items that you must have in order to be a Wiccan.  Obviously I progressed past that point, mostly this is a part of growing up, partly it came from moving countries and having to get rid of a lot of stuff, and partly it was an extension of realizing I didn't want to be Wiccan.  I was a witch, but Wicca wasn't the specific path I wanted to follow.

So I moved forward, I didn't have all the paraphernalia but as I recently discovered when I pulled apart my altar and bagged up a lot of things to go to a gypsy swap I still have a lot of tools that I just never used.  There were tools I used to use, when I did more elaborate rituals on Full Moons and High Holy Days but I have moved away from elaborate practices in the past few months.  I have come to realize that I enjoy the simple yet meaningful in my spiritual practice as in my life.  I was trying to create these elaborate rituals etc (and sometimes it is fun and I may do it still occasionally) when in essence I felt more just making it up as I went along, doing what the moment and event moved me to do.  So I got rid of things

I had an athame that I sometimes used to cast circle, but most often I would cast through visualization alone.  Its a very pretty dagger and I will keep it because of that, but it is no longer a part of my ritual toolkit.  I had a chalice, it was a makeshift one that I'd always meant to replace with something prettier but that I never used, so out it went.  My little cast iron cauldron with my salt is still awesome, so it has remained in my home and will eventually reside on my ancestor altar as a place to put offerings (the salt is gone).  My wand - I had a beautiful wand, I never used it, I don't see myself ever using it, so it is gone.  I do have a selenite wand and a sodalite wand (both smaller than the size of my palm) that now reside on my new altar, they each serve a purpose and have special meaning in my heart so they stay, but I don't use them as wands.  I also got rid of my pentacle.

So what do I have now.  Firstly, I no longer have a large altar space in a separate room.  I have a small meaningful altar located in my bedroom and several shrines throughout the house.  What is on this altar?  I have my two crystal wands, an offering bowl, a candle, an oil burner (or sometimes and incense burner) my meditation beads and some crystals for the fey.  It is simple, what is there serves a purpose and provides a trigger for my practices.

Musing Monday

Not sure I can Muse today...too tired, too stressed.  I'm officially on the home stretch with my Thesis - Due July 14th and I am having a mild panic attack day about it.  This is probably made worse by the fact that I have only have 3 hrs of sleep as hubby and I went to a concert last night and then miss kitty decided that 4:45 was an awesome time to wake me up.

Then again maybe this is the perfect catalyst for some musing.  I'm feeling out of touch with nature at the moment and I'm sure that this is contributing to my general stress levels.  I haven't really been outside much in the last 2 months.  I sit on the deck some weekends while I study but sitting on the deck in our complex of town homes does not exactly constitute getting in touch with nature.  Basically my days consist of getting up, going to work and sitting at a desk for 9 hrs, coming home and making dinner then sitting at a desk for several more hours with a trip to the gym occasionally thrown in (I study on the cross trainer at the gym too).  So I'm not exactly getting a lot of down time to center and re-connect and I think its taking its toll.  Yep, I've even slacked off on meditating in the afternoons for 5-10 mins and grounding in the shower in the morning.  But as I sit here and think about it, I'm reminded (yet again) that I know these things help and yet I let them slip. I'm sure I'm not the only one guilty of this.  I know better, yet it is always hard to do better.

So here's my Monday musing - if you want to have balance in your life you have to create it.  Simple, obvious, something I am abundantly aware of and yet still constantly in need of the reminder.  So my goal - stop letting school be my life right now.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Coffee - yep, a running theme in my weekly thanks.
2. Sunshine - somehow just sitting in it, even if one is studying, just makes things more bearable
3. Date night/days - taking the time to spend time with the hubby.  
4. Supportive friends - who check in on me during crazy thesis time to make sure I haven't disappeared under the enormous pile of books I'm referencing.
5. Last, but in no way least - I'm hugely thankful for NZ immigration.  More specifically for the news that hubby's residency visa is still valid and that we can move back to NZ whenever we are ready.  This is not only awesome for the simple fact that we loved living in NZ and can't wait to go back, but because choosing NZ over Australia means a) I don't have to go through the stress of once again doing visa applications (I've done 3 thus far in my life and they don't get easier over time).  b) A much cheaper process - its $190ish dollars to transfer his visa from an old passport to a new one as opposed to the $2000 it was going to cost to do the Australian visa.  

Musing Monday

Well it is hard for my brain to 'muse' on anything other than school work right now.  I've been thinking a lot about perceptions lately, how we perceive ourselves and whether it is possible to find our true selves.  It seems to me that it is almost impossible to cast off the perceptions of those around us.  That when we try to define ourselves we find ourselves doing so in relation to what we wish to be according to other people.  We see people we revere and we thing 'I want to be more like them' but is that being more yourself or someone else?  We can sit in awe of the radiance that emanates from certain people and think to ourselves that is what I want to be like.  Once again, is that our true selves?  Is that the true them?  Are we perceiving what they want us to perceive hiding the truth from the outside world?  How does one know when someone is being genuine   How does one become a genuine reflection of themselves?  When do we know what is us and what is a image we aspire to?  When does what we aspire to become our true selves?  Can we change who we are?  On what levels?

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Rain - it is needed and I do so love a gloomy rainy day every now and then.
2. My Chiropractor and Massage Therapist - between the 2 they are preventing me from being in a lot of pain while I do my thesis.
3. Amazon - the ability to get a hold of books with 2 day delivery and second hand books all in one place is immensely helpful for the thesis.
4. Sleep - I'm trying to get a little more of that, although the sleep, work, school balance is still a work in progress.
5. A stress free hubby - he's much nicer to be around.  Although I'm very jealous he is done with his Masters now.

Ostara 2013

Well it is a gloomy rainy spring equinox today and I love it.  Don't get me wrong, I love sunshine I even love spring (except for the whole allergy thing) but I also love a dark rainy day when the earth is a little quieter, and you have time to pause.  Everyone seems to move a little slower on those days, be a little quieter, it is a chance for us and for the earth to just breathe, take in nourishment and prepare for the blossoming ahead.  We need the rain too, which doesn't hurt :)  I'll admit that I prefer studying on days like today as well because I don't have to look outside and see the sunshine and the world coming to life again and feel annoyed that I can't get out there and enjoy it.

I'm having issues connecting with Ostara this year, heck, I'm having issues connecting to much of anything right now.  This is the downside to doing one's thesis - your mindset gets so involved in the study and the stress that you tend to lose track of the world around you.  I couldn't even tell you what phase the moon was in right now without taking a look online, I barely note the passing of time either. What sucks the most about this is my body, my soul, my very being is tugging at me, demanding quite vocally that now is the time to cast off and dive deep, to explore and nurture, to embrace the dark and find my own light and yet I'm having to put it off.  Just a little longer, just until school is done - and I know, deep down do I know, that something is waiting for me, she isn't happy about waiting, and she's going to make me pay for putting her on the back burner.  I'm going to be worked hard, no gentle exploration, no easy ride.  But what can I do.  So I do what I can, the little things to keep me connected, and I acknowledge her presence in the peripheral, and I will surrender myself to her lessons - as soon as I get my thesis done, and I hope she will be patient enough with me until then.

Spirit Doll Update

A while ago on a Witchy Wednesday posting I put information out there about the creation of spirit dolls.  Well last weekend I got together with some lovely 'sisters' and we each made a spirit doll.  It was a wonderful experience and each doll was truly unique and reflective of what we wanted to honor and manifest.

Here is my dark goddess/star goddess doll.

Musing Monday

Need this reminder at the moment, not only for my spiritual life but also for my life in general.  I have to remember that the craft is a practice and that practice is therefore required, and it wont always be perfect.  I have to remind myself that no matter how insanely busy I am I always feel better if I take the time out to connect to my spiritual side.  If I can just begin, take the first step towards a spiritual act each day it will get easier.  

I also have to remember this with my thesis - I am feeling so overwhelmed by it all, lost and unsure exactly how to start and where to begin and I know that once I get going it will all become clear but that first step is always so fard to take.

Free Friday

Just thinking...

If you ever wondered whether magic and its practice is something that is real, that has a history, then I strongly suggest really taking some time to dig deep and research magic throughout history - you'll quickly find a world of answers and questions that will confirm within you the understanding that 'magical practices' must be true because they have been a part of society and culture for as long as we have recorded history.

One of the things I'm loving about doing my thesis is all the connections I'm seeing between magic in the ancient world and magic now.  That is to say, I can see where those who re-introduced/created the ideas of witchcraft that we hold in modern westernized society today got their ideas from.  Now that isn't to say that there is no truth to some of the information, I'm just critical/analytical enough to recognize that Wicca is a modern creation and as such while it draws on the ancient past, it isn't the magic of the ancient past.

What I do see is key ideas, elements and theories that have come through to us today.  It is funny to read up on some amazing new age idea that everyone is touting about and know that really the theory has been around for almost 2 thousand years more or less.  The other key thing you begin to notice is that the idea of 'magic' permeates all societies, that it is a key element in our understanding of the universe and given that most societies have similar ideas even when there was little to no contact indicates that there has to be some greater connection out there than people are willing to acknowledge.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The warm spring weather - although not so much the accompanying allergies.
2. Catching up with friends I haven't seen in a long time.
3. Being another week closer to having my degree done.
4. Coffee - some days it is all that keeps me going.
5. An appointment to get crafty with wonderful friends on Saturday - awesome way to take the mind off the thesis for a while.

When is a god the right god?

When is a god the right god?

I have addressed this topic before, and I'm also fairly certain that I've stated it is a constantly evolving process for me.  Well the ideas are running around in my head again, questions seem to outweigh the answers as they usually do.  Not sure if I'm fighting knowledge out of fear or just really don't know.

I've felt a pull towards the Morrigan even since I went to PCon.  Okay, that is actually a lie, I've felt a pull towards her for a very long time but I've usually brushed it off.  You see I've had this thing about  feeling drawn to any of the 'mainstream' gods as I think of them.  Those deities that everyone, especially the new, claim as their patrons.  Why do I push against it?  I think it is because I feel that most of those who I've encounted that claim to connect to these deities are really only superficially claiming an association, they think its cool or that because they're a witch they must revere Hecate or things along those lines and I refuse to be a part of it.  Last year I had the pleasure of reading about peoples experiences through the Pagan Blog Project with some of these more 'mainstream' gods that began to open my eyes to the other side of it (which, I knew was there but hadn't experienced yet), those who truly took their connection as a deep and meaningful thing that shaped their lives and their practice.  I think this opened me up more to listening to these calls more.

So great, step one conquered.  Now I'm at stumbling block 2, my connection specifically with the Morrigan. I had a truly amazing experience at PCon at the Morrigan Devotional, it was powerful and I experienced the most vivid visions throughout.  I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since.  But now I'm questioning myself - am I feeling this renewed connection with her because I'm open to it now, or am I transferring my amazing experience onto this deity and trying to force a connection that isn't there?  In case you haven't noticed I spend a great deal of time doubting my thoughts until I can convince myself of their basis.  It is a flaw that I need to work on, healthy questioning is fine, constant lack of faith in ones intuition is not.

I have definitely been feeling the push towards the darker goddesses lately.  It is a sign of my current journey.   So the Morrigan to me fits in with this pattern.  I guess the only way to truly know is to spend some time reaching out.  So this week that is what I aim to do.  To meditate and reach out and see if what I'm feeling is truth or wishful thinking.  We'll see what happens.

Musing Monday

Good things come to those who...manifest.

This idea came to me as most ideas do when I was just on the cusp of falling asleep after a long day when it was already later than I should have been in bed and I was desperate for sleep.

I was thinking of the saying 'good things come to those who wait' and realized that I really do not like it.  It seems to imply a sense of passivity, that if one just waits things will come to them.  When really we have to work for it, we have to take steps forward.  We can envision what we want as much as we want but if we sit on our butt and do nothing that is exactly what will happen, nothing.

I think the trigger for this came from some comments about how 'lucky' hubby and I have been with how things have worked out for us etc in this shitty economy.  I don't believe in luck, you make your own path, and we have worked out butts off and worked jobs we hate to get and keep what we have.  Would we both rather be doing something else for employment - yes, but the reality of the situation is you take what you can get and if my goal is to manifest and keep a job that pays the bills and allows me to enjoy life and that job isn't my ideal right now, well I still have what I need and I have to work with it until I can get something better when the economy turns around.  Because guess what, reality plays a part too.  You can dream all you want about your ideal job that also pays you well and has great benefits but you have to acknowledge that if you're living in a country with a messed up economy you probably aren't going to get it, or at the very least you shouldn't be turning down good offers because they aren't perfect and then complaining because you can't get work.

Ok, this is taking a sideways track into a rant so I'm stopping here.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Having made my last payment for school.
2. Early morning sunshine to study in.
3. Coffee - the only thing that keeps me going some days.
4. That I've managed to go down another dress size.
5. My minds ability to reason, analyze and draw conclusions.

Meditative Monday

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  I'm trying to get back into the mind set of challenging myself and facing my fears.  A good few years back I tackled my fear of heights, small spaces and open water on a trip to New Zealand where I partook of sea kayaking, abseiling and caving.  I think it is time I started facing these fears more in my life.  Embrace life, live it as it was meant to be.

Free Friday

What is magic?  and how is it different from religion?

I'm thinking about this a lot lately as I research for my thesis and try to unravel the intermingled and entangled idea of those things we call magic and religion in the ancient world and whether we really can separate and define them in such a way.  I guess in some sense this can be applied to today's society as well.  As much as we've been living with this division of magic and religion (Thank's Frazer) is there really this great divide?  The answer to that probably depends on how you define religion.  For myself I always think of big organized religions when I say the word and yet lately I've been becoming more aware that this definition really isn't accurate, that isn't what religion is.  Who decides what it is?  Society?  Because that really seems to be how this all works, that society comes to some agreement that religion is A and magic is B and superstition is some vague in between   This really doesn't help anything at all.  Sure people have worked hard to create definitions of religion but I've yet to really find one that works for me, I've yet to really succinctly define it or magic myself.  So I'm curious and I ask you to think, What is the difference?