Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. Having my Thesis done!!!!!!
2. Getting back to being a couple with my hubby
3. The love and support of friends - even those I don't speak to for long periods of time.
4. The delta breezes
5. Good books

Musing Monday

Well I officially handed in my thesis for my Master's in History and I am slowly starting to get my life back.  So the intent is to start to get back into this blog and get my life going again.  Which leads me neatly into today's musing quote:

This is my goal for the upcoming year - to let go of my inner critic but to also face those fears that I often let rule my life.  It is time to stop beating myself up, it is time to stop offering excuses and it is time to challenge myself in new ways.

Monday Musings

A light at the end of the tunnel.  I've been absent from here as the pressure of my thesis looms ever larger.  But I can see the end in sight.  Oddly enough, the other day my professor offered me a 30 - 60 day extension.  While the temptation is definitely there I have to say that I think I know myself well enough to realize that any extra time would likely result in procrastination rather than a more advanced paper.  Besides, I am looking forward to getting back into my spiritual life.  I plan on starting my spiritual nomad course once I'm done.  I'd really love to get some training in the Feri Tradition but I don't know how the logistics of that would work out.  So after July 21st, expect to see a more active me on here.

Today's Thoughts

I want to dive in, to delve within
to get my hands dirty and dig them deep.
I long to journey to deeper realms
where darkness awaits with shimmering hope.
I yearn to soar, to let my spirit fly
and spiral higher into myself.
I long for all this and yet I sit
trapped inside a cage of my own design.
And I watch others make these journeys
And I smile and I weep and I scream and I rage
And I want to throw aside this cage.
And my soul aches, a physical presence in my mortal body
daily a reminder of where I want to be,
and I promise myself just a little longer, you're almost done.
But I wonder, will it still be there waiting for me?
The fear resides inside my head.
With each call made to me, each little moment of magic
I say not just yet and my soul cries,
and I fear I see that path close over just a little more.
And I want to scream, wait for me!
And I fight the urge to run off and follow the spark.
Instead I sit and I work and I study,
And I try to drown out the little voice inside my head
feeding it platitudes of eventually.

Copyright Julie Grucza 2012-2013

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A cooling of the weather - I love the sun, I don't love 90+ degree heat in May
2. Sleep and Coffee - I don't get enough of the first and probably have too much of the second.
3. Bright Flowers - just having them on my desk and in my home makes me feel better
4. Animals - my cat that forces study breaks on me for pets and playtime and the puppy love when the guys at work bring in their dogs
5. My husband - for neck rubs during study sessions, for listening to me ramble on about my thesis and for helping me clear my head when I'm overwhelmed by it all.

Why you shouldn't compare

It really is a danger to compare your life to those of theirs - if for no other reason that you cannot know what their life is really like.  And yet how do you stop yourself?  I've seen friends and acquaintances do and achieve so much in the past 12 months and I am overjoyed for them.  Yet a part of me also mourns due to my own lack of progress.  It makes you wonder what you're doing wrong, why you can't seem to get your crap together to do what you want.  It is frustrating, disappointing, and makes me doubt myself.  

So it is a case of knowing what it is, what it shouldn't be and that I need to stop and yet struggling to put it into action.

Musing Monday

Musings

Wandering aimlessly, unsure of where to go
clear paths, shady glens and tracks that are overgrown.
places you know you've been that call to you again
offering the safety and security of an old friend.
But I don't want to go there, to see what has already been
yet the call is so strong, like a mothers song that lulls you to sleep.
So I wander around lost, disconnected, alone.
A yearning, a feeling, a twisting knot sits low in my belly, pulling, tugging, demanding attention.
but I'm stuck, rooted in place, unsure where to go, which path to take.
There's a path, somewhere in the mist that sings my name ever so softly
so quietly you have to listen hard to hear,
so quietly it is often drowned out by my fear.
I know it is there, like a magnet I can feel its pull.
Yet I cannot find it - or maybe I'm afraid to.
And the shackles of the now, of the expected, of the responsible feel heavier each day.
And I feel myself shrinking, fading away.
I want to sing, to dance, to soar
instead I bow down under the pressure of those chains and tie myself with them once more.

Copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013