Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A cooling of the weather - I love the sun, I don't love 90+ degree heat in May
2. Sleep and Coffee - I don't get enough of the first and probably have too much of the second.
3. Bright Flowers - just having them on my desk and in my home makes me feel better
4. Animals - my cat that forces study breaks on me for pets and playtime and the puppy love when the guys at work bring in their dogs
5. My husband - for neck rubs during study sessions, for listening to me ramble on about my thesis and for helping me clear my head when I'm overwhelmed by it all.

Why you shouldn't compare

It really is a danger to compare your life to those of theirs - if for no other reason that you cannot know what their life is really like.  And yet how do you stop yourself?  I've seen friends and acquaintances do and achieve so much in the past 12 months and I am overjoyed for them.  Yet a part of me also mourns due to my own lack of progress.  It makes you wonder what you're doing wrong, why you can't seem to get your crap together to do what you want.  It is frustrating, disappointing, and makes me doubt myself.  

So it is a case of knowing what it is, what it shouldn't be and that I need to stop and yet struggling to put it into action.

Musing Monday

Musings

Wandering aimlessly, unsure of where to go
clear paths, shady glens and tracks that are overgrown.
places you know you've been that call to you again
offering the safety and security of an old friend.
But I don't want to go there, to see what has already been
yet the call is so strong, like a mothers song that lulls you to sleep.
So I wander around lost, disconnected, alone.
A yearning, a feeling, a twisting knot sits low in my belly, pulling, tugging, demanding attention.
but I'm stuck, rooted in place, unsure where to go, which path to take.
There's a path, somewhere in the mist that sings my name ever so softly
so quietly you have to listen hard to hear,
so quietly it is often drowned out by my fear.
I know it is there, like a magnet I can feel its pull.
Yet I cannot find it - or maybe I'm afraid to.
And the shackles of the now, of the expected, of the responsible feel heavier each day.
And I feel myself shrinking, fading away.
I want to sing, to dance, to soar
instead I bow down under the pressure of those chains and tie myself with them once more.

Copyright Julie Grucza, 2012-2013

In a funk

I haven't been keeping up with this much.  Life is getting the better of me.  The weekend away has left me feeling quite sad with where my life is right now. So I've spent the week feeling very lonely and sad and frustrated at things I cannot change.  I'm failing to live me life at the moment, and it leaves me rather depressed and I'm just hoping that this too shall pass when school is finally done.  I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss my husband and I miss being me.  The weekend spent away really made all that hit home.  For 4 glorious days I got to spend time with my husband, with a good friend and relax and be completely me knowing I'd be fully accepted by those I was with.  *sigh*

So with that depressing note here are some pictures of beautiful New Zealand - the only thing keeping me going right now is knowing I will be here again soon.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. A weekend spent with friends and having fun - it has made me stop and think.
2. Official approval for my thesis topic
3. Rain - I love that smell.
4. The start of the summer fruit season - when I can live on fruit and salads.
5. My health.

Lifestyle Choices

So this past weekend hubby and I spent a 4 day weekend with friends in Salt Lake City and it definitely made some things very clear to us.  Firstly, the importance of lifestyle choices.  We had the opportunity to move out to SLC through hubbies work almost 12 months ago and we opted to not do it.  This decision was based on knowing we had a mortgage here and we'd have to find someone to rent our house or risk losing it.  We made the decision based on financial matters.  Now, I'm not saying that financial matters aren't important enough that they shouldn't be big factors in decision making, but we definitely ended the weekend away wondering if we'd made the right choice.

I am aware that spending a weekend somewhere is not the same as living there, and that there is a certain element of being on vacation and having a good time without the stress of work etc that exists.  Yet, we can't deny that what we did see and experience was a lifestyle that we miss, that we crave.  Had we made a trip out to SLC before the big decision had been made last year I'm not entirely sure it would have ended up the same way.

What this weekend drove home is how much we are not living.  That we don't have the lifestyle we want.  Yes, we were somewhat aware of this - it is why we are moving back to NZ.  But, it really hit us in the gut how little we live at the moment.  We get up, go to work, study, play rec soccer on a Sunday and that is our life.  We don't have the draw of majestic vistas a short drive away calling to us to come and explore, the atmosphere that just screams - come play outdoors.  Hell, even watching children walk to school or bus pickups is something you don't see where we are now.  Everything just seemed more laid back, while the drivers were nuts, there wasn't that feeling of entitled frantic nature to driving.  In one weekend I felt more connected to myself and to mother earth than I have in longer than I can remember.

So we leave the weekend sad because we left behind awesome friends, but also because we spent a weekend reminded of the lifestyle we want and don't have.  There is a level of regret, of 'what if?'  and it drives home the importance of balancing life, and of making choices that will bring you happiness rather than those one is obligated to do.

Thankful Thursday

This week I am thankful for...

1. The upcoming weekend away - I need this more than I can say.
2. Delta breezes (that cool off the heat of the day)
3. Employment (ok, I'm trying to be thankful for this one because I dislike my job but at least I can pay my bills).
4. The love and support of family and friends - not sure how I'd get through this thesis without that.
5. Skype - that allows me to keep in touch with my sister and mother back home in Australia.