Monday, April 15, 2013

Monday Musing

This is going to be a whiny, mopey, woe is me post, so feel free to skip it - I just need to 'vocalize' it.

Not much to muse on today, just not really feeling it.  What I am feeling is overwhelmed and very ready to beat myself up.  Stress, its a wonderful thing isn't it.  And despite the progress I've made, and I've made a lot  over the years, I still find myself falling back on bad habits when the stress really piles itself on.  I know that working on ourselves is a lifetime project, and that I should be happy that I recognize these things about myself, I just wish I was better able to fight them at the very least and to not have them at all would be great.

So what do I do when I'm stressed, I eat my stress - although I'm trying to be much better at this, and I have improved, it takes a lot of effort not to feel the pull of sugary, fatty goodness when those stress levels rise.  Damaging as well is the attitude I take towards myself.   I have no patience with myself, I have no faith in my abilities and I just feel like a pathetic, useless lump.  This is how I've felt over the last week - progressively getting worse until I had a day yesterday where I basically sat on the couch depressed and tired as all hell and did nothing.  And of course in wasting that day doing nothing I end up beating myself up about the amount of work I have to do and how crappy a human being I am for not having done anything.

I recognize this behavior, yet I can't seem to shift it.  It doesn't last as long as it used to, but it still takes its toll.  I am very much a work in progress.

I need to shake these feelings, I have a thesis to write - and after this experience I have to say I don't know why anyone would put themselves through this, I personally think I'm nuts.  I just have no faith right now in my ability to do this.

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